I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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