Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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