I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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