the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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