Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
