We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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