i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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