listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
