Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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