i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Someone shattered a urinal.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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