I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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