My liver just broke up with me...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
