Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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