names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
