i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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