mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
