Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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