Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
