I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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