Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
