who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
