I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
