just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
