I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
