is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
