flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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