Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
