Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
