Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
