Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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