I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
