i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
