this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
