Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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