my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
