Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You ruined the universe
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
