it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
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Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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