I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
