My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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