I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
