You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
