I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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