Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
