she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
