my mouth tastes like poor choices
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
