Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
