What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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