fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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