wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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