it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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