Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.