that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
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I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
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Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?