were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
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I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "