I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
