There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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