Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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