No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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