If i come over, it means nothing
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
