He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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