My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
