I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
