If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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